How to freak out an old man . . .

aka as Grumblebum. Seriously, that's what I call him.

He's my maternal grandfather. As a child I idolised him. As a teen I dropped him as a family member and he's never been able to crawl his way back. Highlights of his behavior include calling my family 'a pack of thieving bastards'. Noice. This was then backed up with several abusive phone calls to my mother, including a particularly nasty one on her 40th birthday. I sat there and watched as her own father made her cry. She wouldn't hang up the phone because he was her father. So she just sat there, crying, taking the abuse.

When I turned 18, it was my turn. I sat there stunned as he accused me of drinking, taking drugs and being a hooker. Happy Birthday indeed.

So needless to say, we don't get along. I don't trust him. I don't like him. I don't really give a toss about him. I am cordial and polite because I love my grandmother. But the mean part of me loves to make him uncomfortable.

Today he decided to ask about my upcoming operation. Given he's a man I am not close to, the last thing I wanted to discuss was my hysterectomy! Easiest way to get him to change the subject, and make him uncomfortable? Start talking alllll about it.

When I mentioned ovaries, he started to squirm. This was fun! I threw in the word uterus for good measure. The subject was promptly changed.

I did consider hitting him with an errant vagina or two, but I thought he might have a heart attack!