Mental Illness sucks.
Being so ill that you start thinking 'gee, if I was dead, I wouldn't have to worry about what to do about work' and viewing that as a positive . . .well that sucks.
I'm getting help.
I've seen a GP. Dr Racist. Yeah, I know. But when you're mid meltdown, almost any GP will do. He thinks my Depression score is too high and I'm catastrophising. He doesn't believe I'm that depressed. Damn. And I actually minimised some answers.
I have new meds - Pristiq and Lexotan. After two weeks they've pretty much achieved . . .nothing.
I have a new psychologist (aka LD). I've seen her twice. We have a long way to go.
I tried to resign my job and achieved . . .almost nothing. My boss wouldn't accept it. She wants me to wait until the meds work, think clearly and come back. So I'm on leave.
Personally I can't see myself ever teaching anyone else's children ever again.
But I'm still here.