Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Do not consult Dr Google. For anything. Dr Google is not your friend.


Ultrasound results are in and after spending (way too much) some time on Dr Google, I'm still totally confused.

Based on my really sucky medical knowledge, apparently my whole reproductive system is rooted. Yes, that's my professional opinion.

To be more specific, my uterus is . . .umm . . .too big, too full, flipped backwards, and has an icky pattern of *something* (Radiologist couldn't find what). My right ovary is about 6 times the size of lefty and has a charming growth on her. Noice.

I head to Dr Damn Nice on Friday so will be chatting to him however as he's a GI Man (Jo's brother! lol) he'll no doubt have to send me on to a gyno.

And weirdly, I'm ovulating lmao. Does she not know she's in retirement?!?!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

How to freak out Mini-Me

In a few easy steps.

1. Turn on the house alarm as you leave in the morning.
2. Finish the day and rush out from school to pick up kids.
3. Grab kids, rush home and send Mini-Me into the house to grab her karate uniform.
4. Wait in car with Smoochy and Cheeky for Mini-Me to come back out.
5. Listen in horror as the house alarm starts blaring while Mini-Me is inside the house.

What do you know? Our alarm does make you feel dizzy when it goes off.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I got lucky!

First ultrasound was today.

I drank (water - not vodka as the kids tried to tell me!) all through last session at school and tried desperately not to do the 'I-have-to-pee-happy-dance' during class. I ran for the door on finishing and figured if I get there early, I'd go in early and could pee sooner. Great idea, right? Wrong!

For some weird reason I sllipped into the Twilight Zone on the way there and a usual 10 minute trip took 20 minutes. I'm not sure where I was but if anyone mentions seeing me between 2:50pm and 3:10pm, do let me know! So I arrived just on time, about to burst, and yep, you guessed it. Got kept waiting another 20 minutes!!! EEK! *Insert quick reminder for all women to do their pelvic floors. Yes. You. Right now. No, that doesn't count, you were pretending. Go again!*

The scan started out ok except it turns out I have a tilted uterus. Yes, apparently not even my uterus is straight which made it hard to see Cysty (yeah, I named it. I figured it was in an intimate relationship with my innards so needed a name). So yes folks. She advised the best way to get this done; was the internal.

For those who haven't heard of this test, let's just refer to it as either Dildocam or Wand O Magic. Yes, it goes up there. Yes, it's apparently meant to be serious, anxiety producing, uncomfortable and all of the above.

Not for me though. Sadly being the mature woman I am, I couldn't stop giggling. I mean cmon. This was the first time I'd gotten lucky in . . .umm . . .well let's just say it's been awhile! Sadly though I didn't get dinner but I'm thinking seeing your cervix and ovaries on a big screen tv counts as a movie so I guess the lady doing the scan was IN!

The lady was very lovely, even if she did wield the Wand O Magic like she was driving a manual truck. She did ask me to . . . err . . . inject the Wand O Magic myself which was a little stressful. How far up are you supposed to put those things anyway? I mean, what if you're meant to put it just in? Does shoving it in so far she could see my tonsils mean I'm rude? Does putting it just in mean I secretly want to be revirginised? Just who does the ettiquete lessons for dildocams anyway?

Results not back yet. Expected tomorrow or Wednesday.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

These are my children

First we have Mini-Me. She's 8 and very much like me when I was younger. She's not exactly your usual 8 year old girl and we love her for that. She's studying karate at the moment and loving it. She had her first major independent disappointment this week when she wasn't allowed to grade in karate - a tough lesson but she's bounced back really well and I'm proud of her.

Next we have my boys. Firstly, there's Mr Smoochy. He's almost 3. Big and beautiful and looks just like my Dad! He's madly running around copying Mini-Me doing her karate moves at the moment. *sigh* Hopefully he'll learn not to connect as often as he does!

Finally we have Mr Cheeky. He's also almost 3. Big in his own right but smaller than Mr Smoochy so he seems a lot more compact than he is. His speech is really developing at the moment! For example, this morning I snuggled up next to him in bed to watch tv:

Cheeky: You're big (the kid has a point!)
Me: Yes, I am. You're a big boy now too.
Cheeky: Yeah but you're big. You need ta move ova dere (points to other side of bed)
Me: Why?
Cheeky: Cause you're big. (hard to argue with that logic, but I thought I'd give it a go)
Me: No, you can move.
Cheeky: No, I caaaaan't. You can cause you're biiiiiig.

I won that one. He moved. But I'm amazed that I can actually (finally!) have a conversation with my youngest son!!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

So why am I blogging again?

Mainly because just as I thought life would settle down a little, the Big Kahuna decided to shat on me once again. *waits for Big Kahuna to smite me for calling Him Big Kahuna* Avoiding Eye Contact

After feeling unwell for a while, I headed back to Dr Why Bother for a flu shot and review of an earlier x-ray.

Symptoms were varied including many I hadn't mentioned to Coparent:
  • Reflux. BAD
  • Stomach pain - like I'd found that sharp knife I'd lost. In. my. stomach.
  • Inability to swallow - mainly at night. There's nothing quite like rolling over for a swig of a drink and being unable to swallow it.
  • Weird full feeling in chest including slightly funky back pain
Long story shot is Dr Why Bother refused to provide the flu shot. Rude. And said I had to present to the local hospital's ED (forevermore known as Likely to Kill You Hospital).

I smiled and nodded but knew I would rather crawl on broken glass than present to Likely to Kill You Hospital.

With Coparent's help, I made an appointment with Dr I'm-a-Racist-but-ok-in-a-pinch who promptly sent me for bloods, urine test and a CT scan. Eek! Interestingly the results from Dr Racist revealed:

I have a large incarcerated hiatus hernia. No, it's not exactly in jail but basically half of my stomach is stuck up in my chest behind my heart. Clearly it couldn't find the GPS one day and just got lost while wandering.

I have an incisional hernia down below. Yeah, the two surgeries done a couple of years ago by Dr Damn Nice haven't quite taken. NOT IMPRESSED.

I have a large cyst on my ovary. Yippee! This organ finally gets to rest and chucks a wobbly!

I have a boney 'growth' off my pubic bone. Most probably benign although they usually continue to grow and as I'm kinda attached to my bladder working these days, it will need attention.

Cysts on my kidneys. Apparently usually normal but hey, they just add to the fun!

Upshot is I will need surgery again. At least one, possibly more.

Monday I got for an ultrasound to suss out the ovary and pubic bone and Friday I meet up with Dr Damn Nice yet again. He'd better be nice - at this stage two surgeries have failed and I'm most likely going to let him do a third and therefore he'll accept another housepayment or two from me.

So yeah, I'm blogging again. I figure it's cheaper than therapy.

Starting on a sombre note

Yes, I do know the purple is a little full on.

But it's for a good reason.

On April 7th, little Madeline Spohr died. She wasn't even two. Maddie was born 11 weeks premature with many lung and heart issues. The Spohrs live half a world away in the US so I can't be there to hug them, to let them know I'm thinking of them, to tell them that I care. So instead, for the moment this blog is purple, to remember dear Maddie.