Pissed off

Not a very pretty title but it fits.

One thing I have always valued in myself and others is loyalty. Loyalty towards friends and loved ones. I would like to think I'm a loyal friend. Sadly, too many times I have been let down by others not showing me the same courtesy. Today is no different.

I have a friend. Actually for many years I have considered him more than a friend and thought that was the case in return. We have known each other for a very long time. We met at age 16. Due to shyness, interference, and an ongoing case of very bad timing, we've never had the opportunity to be together on a continual basis.

But I always considered us friends. I have always looked at this person as someone I want in my life, and someone who I thought, wanted me in there's. Always. End of story.

Looking back, for many, many years now, I've tried my best to support him. I've tried to show him that he's a wonderful man that is worthy of love. That he has good qualities that are appreciated by others and should be appreciated by him. I've tried to build him up when he's down. And occasionally I've tried to slap him around metaphorically when he needed it. I made the tough choice to stop enabling his destructive behaviour and called him on it. I ignored (deliberately and probably stupidly) that he never acknowledged difficulties going on in my life. I ignored that he didn't seem to remember silly things like my birthday or Valentine's Day. I ignored that everything always seemed to be on his terms, in his time, at his whim. Because I loved him. Through it all, I still thought we were friends. I made sure he knew that I was still there for him. That he'd have all the space and time he needed to sort himself out.

Recently, he started to come back into my life again, and I was thrilled. He sounded happier. Not completely, but certainly much, much better than he had been. He sounded healthier mentally and physically. He'd cut down on many destructive behaviours and was sounding more like his old self. The one who used to adore me and actually cared about what I thought and felt. Back to the person who cared about me above a bottle.

So why today, when I log onto Facebook do I find that yet again (twice now!) I'm not even considered his 'friend'? That I am yet again wiped from his circle of friends. Without a message, a text, an email about it. Just wiped. Gone. Apparently no longer wanted or needed.

I shouldn't be hurt. I know it's just a silly computer networking site. But it does hurt. Because I still consider him my friend. Because I still love him.

Why??