My self esteem that is.
For the past few days, I've pretty much just felt crappy.
Admittedly, I think I'm being too hard on myself. I had surgery last Thursday and I'm tired and sore so that probably isn't helping. Depression always seems to pop around after a general anesthetic so that is also probably contributing. My thinking always tends to get a little screwy when depression pops around so I'm probably not being the most rational person I could be at the moment.
I caught a look at my new scars a few days ago and quite frankly, just started to bawl. Between the scars from my heart operation, gall bladder operation, two umbilical hernia operations and this hernia op, I look like some weirdly put together jigsaw puzzle all over my stomach. Which of course, set of a whole new bout of irrational thinking (not that I actually believe it's irrational but I'm sure others will tell me it is). It's the 'I'll be alone forever now' and 'Noone will ever want me again' thinking. Which should be crazy because I've had scars since I was 4. I can't remember my body without one.
I know I'll bounce back. I usually do. So for the moment I think I'll indulge in feeling crappy then worry about being resilient tomorrow.