I missed this . .

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm not sure exactly why but blogging, Facebooking and just generally being social have been too confronting, too hard, too easy to avoid and to overwhelming. To many people I've fallen off the face of the planet. Kind of an online way of pulling the blanket over my face.

I've been busy trying to find my happy place.

I have a new job that I love and I'm doing well in. I enjoy it. I'm confident in it. It's ordered and structured and has answers. I don't feel like I'm drowning every day in uncertainty and self-doubt. I'm excelling and after reminding myself to be nice to myself and cut myself some slack for not remembering everything instantly, I'm picking it up really quickly. And it's safe. No desk throwing, no threats of rape or attack. No violence, no smashed windows, no graffiti and coffee is provided (poor things don't really know how much that's going to cost them in the years to come!)

Mentally I'm doing ok. I'm taking my meds. I'm seeing my psych. I'm doing much, much, much better.

I'm no longer crying every day. And when I do it's not for over 4 hours.

I suppose this post is me pulling back the blanket . . just a little.

MI

Mental Illness sucks.

Being so ill that you start thinking 'gee, if I was dead, I wouldn't have to worry about what to do about work' and viewing that as a positive . . .well that sucks.

I'm getting help.

I've seen a GP. Dr Racist. Yeah, I know. But when you're mid meltdown, almost any GP will do. He thinks my Depression score is too high and I'm catastrophising. He doesn't believe I'm that depressed. Damn. And I actually minimised some answers.

I have new meds - Pristiq and Lexotan. After two weeks they've pretty much achieved . . .nothing.

I have a new psychologist (aka LD). I've seen her twice. We have a long way to go.

I tried to resign my job and achieved . . .almost nothing. My boss wouldn't accept it. She wants me to wait until the meds work, think clearly and come back. So I'm on leave.

Personally I can't see myself ever teaching anyone else's children ever again.

But I'm still here.

A little late

I don't 'do' New Year's Resolutions. I never used to keep them so for years it seemed pointless. Then I made one that I have kept - I will never make another New Year's Resolution. So far so good.

So in the vein of keeping that one, I present my plan for 2010* . . .

1. No surgeries. Please, let me be done!

2. At least once a month, coparent and I will head OUT with the children - explore, socialise, experience, live!

3. Less TV and internet and more IRL chat.

4. Less use of terms such as IRL.

5. More exercise, and better food. Recovering in bed twice this year, plus living with largely chronic pain hasn't done much for my weight. I'm very uncomfortable in myself at the moment so back come the salads are farewell to the hot chips. *Sob*

6. Continue not smoking.

7. I will not berate myself for being stupid. I wasn't stupid. I was trusting, I was loving, I was supportive. I was honest and expected it in return. Others' actions do not make me stupid.

8. I will have a life outside of work. Even if it means I have to force myself - which I will have to given I'm socially awkward. I usually enjoy myself once out but making plans and getting out that door are near impossible some days. Let's call this one a work-in-progress.

9. I will swim. I have a pool. It's in the process of being changed from green back to blue. When it's ready, I'm going to actually use it.

10. Somewhere in there, I will try to continue to find time for dating.


*not to be confused with any sort of resolution. New Years or otherwise.

Why is it?

Why is it people always turn up at the worst time? We took the kids and dog to the park last night. Mr Smoochy decided he desperately needed to pee. No toilets. And hey, it is a dog park. No people around so we let him pee on a tree. As soon as he starts, parents pushing a pram turn up. Guess they know now who the heathens are in the neighbourhood!

Why is it that I'm heading up to Cairns for a holiday and I just know I'm going to run in to my ex?

Why is it that I go shopping to get everything we need and I forget the simple stuff?

Why is it that I'm lucky enough to be able to take Mini-Me on a holiday for doing well in school?

Just some pondering.

10 Things about me

Here we have it. 10 (legal) things about me (that I'm prepared to post!).

1. I used to be a little wild. Ok, a lot. I moved out of home (for the first time!) at 17 and lived in a share house with 9 other people for the bargain basement price of $60 per week rent. I only knew two of the housemates. We didn’t have a car so used to buy only as much food as we could carry up a large hill to the house. For a while I went even wilder. . . .

Not me. And probably a tad more sedate and reserved than I was.

2. I had my first drink at 13. I don’t think it really counted because it was only a swig of West Coast Cooler that was bandied about at a party. I was picked up by Dad and after being home for an hour I threw up. From a SWIG. I blamed it on the Caramel Tarts served at the party. Tarts are EVIL.

3. One of my nicknames is Amazon Woman. Mainly because I’m 6’3” tall. Also because I’m a warrior of life. And I value women. Having said that I never intend to cut off my right breast. There are limits peoples.

She would be totally worth becoming a member of her tribe. lol.

4. I never wanted twins. Seriously. Love them immensely but I didn’t want two at a time. At our first scan (7 weeks, 3 days) there was only one with a heartbeat and an empty sack. Coparent and I txt family to happily announce all was well and there was only one. Then we had to retell the correct story three weeks later when our OB found a second baby!

5. I’ve had major depression twice. Post Natal depression after each of my pregnancies. Twice I’ve been hospitalised with it. I credit the Brisbane Centre for Post Natal Disorders with saving my life – twice! They are truly fantastic in there and I highly recommend them to anyone who is in the Brisbane area and is struggling. My biggest regret is that it the first time I had PND, I hit it from my friends and family for 6 long weeks until I completely lost the plot at the clinic where I’d taken Mini-me to be weighed. I burnt my hand and just lost it and didn’t get it back. A stranger had to hold my baby because I didn’t feel capable of it and *knew* I was a terrible mother who didn’t deserve her. If you are struggling, get and accept help. Life can be so much better.

6. I once hitchhiked. Stupid, stupid, stupid. A ‘friend’ and I were down the coast to see a band. The people who gave us a lift took off. No money for a taxi. Buses had stopped. So we hitched. Yeah, that’s one I’ve never told my parents! Fortunately it was a lovely middle-aged lady who picked us up to stop any weirdo grabbing us.

7. When pulled over by the police I lose the ability to speak in coherent sentences. Whatever I say comes out as ‘err, aaah, I . . . err . .umm . . ‘. Even when I know I haven’t done anything wrong!

8. I have been to some of the daggiest concerts of all time. Seriously. A-ha. Bon Jovi, Tina Turner, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen, Human Nature. Some of the I actually (and scarily) enjoyed.

Remember these boys? So pretty. So safe. So girly. No wonder I am who I am! lol

9. I get extremely frustrated when people refuse to get help for problems. Or choose to wallow indefinitely. If there is a problem, FIX IT. DO something about it. Get help. Admit you have a problem. Speak to someone. Get someone else to help you. When it’s offered, accept it. I wallow at times. But I refuse to do it indefinitely. I deserve better than to spend my life in a black hole.

10. I'm dating again.

Now it's customary to nominate others for the Honest Blog Scrap Award. Most of the blogs I follow have already done it, but I'm going to single out two people.

One - Damien over at 2 Cents Worth. Love, love, love this man. He has been a friend (and flatmate at one time!) for many years. He's opinionated and brash and has a cool blog. Not safe for work or kiddies though!!!

Two - my dear friend RW. Now, she doesn't have a blog but SHE SHOULD!! This woman is an excellent writer. She is also an excellent friend. I love to read anything she's written. Heck, I'd even probably enjoy a shopping list penned by her! So RW, take this as your challenge - START A BLOG!

Honest Scrap Award

Firstly, a huge thank you to Madmother for bestowing upon me the Honest Scrap Award.

I'll be back soon to post 10 Things You Never Knew About Me. I have to decide which 10 to post!!

I'm not the girliest of girls.

I don't wear skirts. Or dresses.

I don't look good in them. Being so tall I can never find 'pretty' shoes to go with them and they're just not me. I'm not comfortable in them. I am not the girliest of girls.

Post hyster though, I've been forced to wear girly clothing. It's strange that once they remove your uterus, your belly swells up so you look (and if you include the pain, fatigue and blerk feelings) and feel around 5 months pregnant. NONE of my pants would go on. Those that would, hurt. On the VERY odd times I've been out of the house I've worn one off two dresses that I own. It's in perfectly good condition - it's been previously worn once in 5 years!

For Christmas I had to go out and buy an emergency skirt. The one dress I owned was too short and too revealing and just too damn uncomfortable to spend the day in. So another skirt has joined the wardrobe. Fortunately I didn't spend a lot on it because . . .

Today I wore pants!!!

And drove!!!!

And took Mini-me shopping with gift vouchers we'd received for Christmas!!!

I'm completely wiped out this afternoon, and more than a little sore, but also a tad estatic. I'm one giant step closer to feeling like myself again. And I didn't even need 'pretty' shoes.